Bikram Yoga Class 17, last day of class series

Class 17, Saturday 5pm class, teacher T.

Semi- crowded.  Middle row, heat bearable.  Ironically, on this last class in this series, I end up neighboring next to teacher K, the one I like the least (or another way to put it, I found fault with the most).  I must confess, I was surprised at her lack of discipline, as well as her lack of skill in the practice.  Where's your  focus, teacher K?  Where's your discipline, your meditation?  Seriously?  Seeing her practice explains a lot.  I know this is a physical practice, but I think she needs a few more notches of spirit as well, and respect.

My Practice:

- biggest accomplishment was the Locust, and getting those legs up behind me while pressing down on the floor or whatever it is I was supposed to do.  Finally, FINALLY, those butt muscle are starting to work.  

- biggest setback was the half moon poses.  Somehow in getting all the adjustments I lost the integrity of the pose, and I’m just all over the place.  

- I also wussed out one the second set of Triangle, and sat them out.  Was I dizzy?  Nauseous? Seeing stars?  No, just tired.

Addendum to this post:

This was my 60th day, and 17th class at Bikram B____ Studio.  It was the most classes I have attended since I started Bikram a decade ago.  It was the most improved I have made in this yoga practice.  I introduced two people to the yoga, and it was the first time I really got some kind of friend attendance in this small world of mine.  I grew deeper in my practice, something I’ve been hoping for for years and never had the [fill in the blank - time? opportunity? motivation?] to do it.

I learned midway through the 60 days that I can be very picky about the teachers, that my pickiness directly affects the benefits I get out of that particular class, and that my pickiness stemmed not from my particular practice but from my concern for those two whom I introduced, that the should get a better experience and in my eyes their experience was not up to par.  And the next thought after that was, they are having their own experience, and my attempts at fixing it was only making things worse not better.   However, I stick to my belief that my criticisms are not unwarranted, and that there is something greatly significant about seasoned teachers.  Teachers are just... important.

I also found that periodically through the 60 days, I would get extremely tired, like all of my muscles were tired and stiff, and I just felt empty inside.  I was not sure if that was just part of the rebuilding, or if I was pushing myself too hard.  But I hardly went several days in a row, maybe three or four at the most.  A couple of times I could have drank more water.  

Next Up.....

I have a second pass to a yoga studio that is up north a few miles.  They’re not strictly a Bikram studio, as they teach Vinyasa classes as well.  But I am reassured by seeing that many of the teachers are training in Bikram, certified Bikram, as well as Baptiste yoga.  I look forward to this experience.  I have read the reviews of this place, and they are far better than the ones for this previous studio.  

I look forward to returning one day to my original studio in R-------, the beautiful one.  But I feel I must give this one up north a try, at least, right?  I deny my pleasure for the sake of curiosity.

Bikram Yoga, Class 16

Class 16, Thursday evening 830pm class, Teacher L.  Yay for teacher L!  Was greatly looking forward to it.

Good instructor, though I was ashamed to realize I still found fault with her teaching - too slow!  Class not terribly crowded.  Found myself in the front row, happily so.  Quite a beginners class, as there were a few, more than usual, and she paced the class with them.  

My practice

- poses still adjusting (meaning, I'm falling out and generally doing a terrible job) 

- did standing bow longer than usual, gladly.  Found it better to go into the pose slowly, gradually, not jump into it like the dialogue makes it sound

- did all the poses, all the second sets.  Not dizzy, just hot and sweaty, somewhat weak. Did fall out quite a bit though.  Like my balance was off.  

Bikram Yoga, Class 15

Class 15, Wednesday evening, 830pm class

I bit the bullet and took the class with Teacher K, whom I'll merely dismiss and focus on my own practice. How's that for maturity?  

Super hot class!  I at first put my mat in the front row, then after sitting in the uncomfortably hot room for a few minutes, moved my mat to the middle row, knowing that I won't be staying in the class the whole time.  There will be sitting involved.  

Hot class, I tried to not be distracted by my criticism of her teaching. Really it does not bother me, but I have two friends who are just starting the practice, and so my critiques are how new students will be discouraged by Teacher K's nonsensical instructions.  So in a way, it was a distracting class.  On a positive note, I let it glide off my back, no harm done to me.  

My Practice: 

- better at the triangle, could hold it this time

- better at standing separate leg head to knee, where I can actually touch my forehead to my knee without having to bend the knee.  Yay for me.  

- during one pose, I think the awkward pose, Teacher K starts playing her games, talking and talking and deliberately keeping us in the pose, and I just stepped out of it.  She disrespects the students, she doesn't deserve respect as a teacher.  This is already hard work, why play games?  This is a beginner's class!

- realization about the Du vs Ren meridians (or in plain yoga terms, forward bends and back bends) 
- my trouble with the Ren meridian poses (forward bends) might not just be from a weakness of the Ren, but perhaps an exuberance of the Du.  Less independence, my girl, just try and bond, will you?  So, in the future, I will try to focus on Bonding vs Independence. Just the thought makes me want to cry.  

Bikram Yoga, Class 14

Class 14, Monday evening March 21, 8:30pm class, teacher L.

Awesome teacher L, my first time with her.  Patient, articulate, calm, seasoned, knowledgeable, warm humor. We like her.  I believe she is my favorite out of them all here!  She stopped and demonstrated a pose, sounding like a correction, not like a scolding like some others.

I placed my mat in the front row today, don't want t bother with tussling for a space in the mirror.  Right of center, maybe two space from the teacher.  

My Practice:

Good practice, no sitting out of any postures.  Felt weaker in some pose than before. Is this all part of the growing process?

A friend was taking the class for the first time, so I was half keeping my eye on her, encouraging her, but she never looked at me, just at the teacher.  But said friend is a seasoned yoga person (yogini?), so why would she be looking at me?  

Bikram Yoga, Class 13

[Okay, I confess to laziness in posting these, er, posts, about the classes.  The blurbs are true to the day I took the class, just didn't get them up in time.  So they are going up en masse.]

Class 13, March 20, a Sunday evening last class at 5pm, Teacher Ch.

Good class, heat manageable 

Teacher good, seasoned, interactive, at least compared to other teachers at this studio.

My Practice:

Sat out triangle second set, otherwise all right.

Again an exercise in tolerance, patience  with people around me, fellow students, learning that discipline is more important than the perfect conditions, the perfect mat placement, perfect view of the mirror. More important things.

Bikram Yoga, Class 12

Class 12, back to the usual.  Avoiding the disappointing teacher K, I made the spontaneous decision to take an evening class this evening.  One where timing just worked out right.  Plus I've given up Nextflix instant streamng for Lent (go ahead and laugh - just wait until you have no television or cabel access for years on end, only to get the cheapest all-you-can-watch movies and television series instantly accessible to your computer, Wii consol AND iPad whenever you want, and tell me it isn't addicting as ever).  Checking the schedule, saw it was an old school, seasoned teacher up, and was glad to go.  The constant slew of  youngins with their machine gun dialogue is getting tiresome.  So, off to class we go at 7:30 to make the 8:30pm class.  And it was a good class, the heat back to the proper temperature, me in the front, crowd heavier but not unbearable, and a teacher I could learn from and get a proper yoga session out of.  Glad to be back.

MY PRACTICE

Despite the added heat, I managed to not skip any poses, though a couple I did not hold the entire time.  In the beginning i did nothing but fall out of all the poses.  Even the stick pose I could not hold - what is up with that?  I wonder how annoying it is to have someone next to you fall out of the same pose a dozen times, and just keep getting back into it over and over again.  I feel sorry for the girls next to me.  

I am too at the stage where i am starting to have difficulty with poses that normally are quite easy for me.  I think its because I am not doing them properly, and with muscles building from other poses, I am not trying harder and the poses are no longer my nice easy landing pads.  

There has been a bit of an addition to my practice, in the form of irritations.  I see the practice as increasing patience, and tolerance, or as I have lately been reading, a deliberate ignoring of the little things.  Little things.  Like the student, always a woman to my left, creating her own class, as if the teacher is not there, as if she  can go into the poses whenever she feels like it, 5, sometimes 10 or more seconds after everyone else has gone.  Different people, but always on my left.  Bizarre.  Or another little thing like the personal space of yoga mats.  I tend to get there early, a new habit I mysteriously picked up recently, so I am one of the first people in the room, one of the first to put my mat down.  I place it somewhat strategically, with plenty of space for others.  But for some reason, perhaps because we are social humans not solitary tigers that we like to stick close together, and someone always seems to put their mat awfully close to mine, and the space between me and my new neighbor is magnitudes smaller than the space on the new neighbor's other side.  Uh... space?  Evenly spaced?  I like to think of myself as an atom, and we should all just space ourselves out accordingly, evenly, among the room.  But no.  Don't know why.  Of course, it could be me, since it's one of those things that EVERYONE is doing to me... yeah okay, it's probably me...

Bikram Yoga class 11

Today's class was a disturbing.  Not because the room temperature maybe reached 95 degrees, but most likely was under that.  Not because teacher K continued in the class-isolating rapid-fire delivery of instructions.  Not because numerous people breached all kinds of yoga etiquette, like coming in late, blocking students behind them, walking out of class, leaving their phones on in class that went off in the middle of a pose.  Not even because little teacher K could not handle the infractions.

What was disturbing was the racist remark she made to the class trying to explain why these breaches of etiquette were happening, stating, "There are signs on the door... unless maybe you just can't read English."  And the fact that a few of the offenders were not blonde haired, blue eyed fair skinned women, but had dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, and of Asian descent.  And most likely spoke English as a second language.

WTF.

The sad part is that these women, and other men who were in the class, who do not speak English as their primary language, are probably used to that kind of remark.  I, only being half Asian, am not.  And I am greatly offended for them.

Even more so, is the fact that this teacher, little K, did not take responsibility for whether the students knew the rules of the class or not, but decided to blame the students for the etiquette breaches.

In my old studios, the teachers always - ALWAYS - gave a brief summary of the rules before every class: don't show up late, try not to leave the class but if you do wait until the pose is over before reentering the room, etc etc.  You know when you go see a movie they AWAYS make some brief clip on turning off your phone?  Always. Because we are human, and even if we do kind of know, we sometimes forget.  We often forget.  So if a rule is important, it is kinder to remind us.  If you want to take responsibility for the class.

But these teachers, at this studio, do not.  And when it leads up to this kind of eruption and takes the nasty turn with teachers resorting to making racist remarks - something is wrong, really really f*cking wrong.  And even if calling it "racist" may be extreme, it is still making demeaning remarks to the students and, again, the teacher not taking responsibility for the class.

At any rate, so the teacher was little K (I'll refrain from calling her "racist K"), 10am class.  Temperature below par.  Class semi-full.

MY PRACTICE
Still feeling weak, I did not make it through 100% of the class, sitting out of about three poses.  I fell out a lot, though I still was able to reach a deeper point in the poses than before.  I just could not hold them.

So that is it.  That is all I want to say for today's class.  A great disappointment.  Will try to go again tomorrow, only because there is a different teacher and I'd like to regain some confidence in this studio.  Have eight more classes on this pass before I am free.

Bikram Yoga, class 10 (after a 3-week absence)

It has been three weeks since my last class (whoa, that's starting to sound like a Catholic confession - "forgive me Bikram for I have sinned....").  Three.  Weeks.  !  Don't ask me what happened.  There are excuses, but then again there are no excuses, nothing real hardcore at any rate - no exciting photojournalistic assignments in the mid East, no sweeping national book tour across the continent, no broken bones or infectious diseases, no mournful passing of love ones.  Nope, I was perfectly capable, physically and, er, locally, to take my Class 10 at any time these past three week.  I just... did not.  So don't be like me, and skip three weeks.  But then again, be like me, and if you skip three weeks, just go back.


But if you go back after three weeks, you will pay for it.  Painfully.  Achingly.  Mournfully.  Not just during the truant three weeks, getting fatter and blobbier, moodier, stiff muscles returning, that incessant need to stretch this leg or that shoulder, feeling internally like a stuffed bloated suckling waiting to be cooked.  


This post-Class 10 has been painful, in the past few hours since the final "namaste."  I cannot recall ever feeling so crappy after class.  Everything is tight.  Yes, in that just-worked-out way, but somehow worse, with an added queasiness to it.  The class was particularly humid, and I did sit out during the peak of the standing series, the Triangle.  I drank the usual amount of water, sweating the usual amount of sweat.  So I am not sure what to attribute this worse-ness to, other than... just don't skip three weeks of Bikram.


Anyway, so the Set Up.  Class Ten (yay double digits!  Anyone remember turning ten years old, what a big deal it was, finally a double digits set of candles?  Was it as big a deal with you as it was for me?), noon on a Thursday, because I just could not get myself together in time for the 10am class.  Teacher was cheerleader-energetic K.  Yay K.  I stood in my usual spot, middle row, left of podium, just left of the Horribly Unflattering Light.   Class was lightly attended, could have been a 10am class.  Where are all the people?  Skipping their three weeks as well?


MY PRACTICE
I expected a certain amount of set back from the last practice, less strength, less flexibility, certainly in my shoulders.  And that was accurate, in some ways.  But apparently I did not entirely lose the gains I made in those previous nine classes.  Some milestones, like being able to lock out my knee and kick out in Standing Head to Knee  - I actually did it!   Both times!  Or all four times, even!  And again, being so excited that I could kick out my leg into that L-shape like Linda, I did not bother to try to keep it up!  Yay, I'm kicking out!  Wooo hoo!  


My Locust poses, both right and left legs plus both legs together, were right back where I left them last, in that I'm-just-starting-to-get-this phase where I discovered what muscles to lock and use to get those legs up.  


And Toe Stand! I'm still doing Toe Stand, like I've been doing it all my life!  Couldn't even begin to tell you why!  As another Bikram blogger suggested, I don't bother with the steadying of my fingertips on both sides, then bringing one hand up at a time, for that makes me unbalanced. I just get set, then bring both hands up together, and voila - I'm up.  Enough that the teacher tries to correct me - no way.  Sorry, I'm balancing on Toe Stand, lady, like I've never done in the past ten (twelve?) years doing Bikram, just leave me to my tiny victory.

Bikram Yoga Class 9

Finally class 9!  Finally, because I skipped three days - THREE days!  It felt like forever.  Partly had to do with unexpected transportation problems, partly just timing I think.  The reasons escape me now.  But no matter, as I finally got myself to class.  Something to be said for being prepared, like bag packed, clean mat rolled up and ready, water bottle filled and all things waiting patiently by the door to grab on the way out.  


THE SET UP
So I made it to the 10am class, little Teacher A was teaching, always such an energetic class.  Though there were a few confusing moments when she was instructing so fast there was no real clue to the Go cues, and the class was a little bit off, not in sync, and she actually scolded us for that!  When is it appropriate to give advice to a teacher, if only to make the class a little bit better?  Is that allowed?   Yes, Teacher A, I was going after than before your cue because you were talking so fast.  I would almost be offended if I were more in that state of mind, because she was also changing the dialogue.  And she was emphasizing that we needed to just listen to her words.  I'm all for teachers personalizing the class, but you have to respect the vet students because maybe they are focused on other aspects of their practice, going deeper or focusing on something other than acting like Pavlovian dogs following your power trip instructions.


Anyway, so the class was a spacious 10am crowd, and I was surprised at the number of ... How shall I say, the age demographic. Lots of 50-60+., an unusual amount, at least compared to what I observed before.  In fact, it's more than I've ever seen in any Bikram class I've taken.  Interesting.  There was also this new student there to my left, about my age, a fidgety little thing.  It was odd, because she seemed to know the poses, but could not for the life of her stand still.  I thought maybe she was... Off in some way.  Like she could not stand still, AT ALL!  Not even during the poses, not between the poses. And when I say "fidget" I am being generous.  She was actually moving a lot, almost dancing around, dropping her arms constantly.  Sometimes she would just stand there, hip cocked with an attitude, not focused.  She kind of made it her own class.  I did not let it distract me too much, other than just trying to figure out what her deal was. 


When did I get so calm? 


THE PRACTICE
So what a good class I had, despite those observations above.  After three days off I was not sure what to expect, but it was great because my usual nemesis poses transformed into moments of progress!  For example:


The Standing Head to Knee  - I actually kicked out, and stayed there, for longer than I ever have!  On both sides!  I didn't even try to bring my head down to my knee, I was just so happy to be standing there, holding my leg out like an upside down L, it was great!  Now next step is to gain confidence in standing there, and move onto the next part.  Heh.  I mean, this is great, really great.  I am so proud of myself!


Then, the Standing Bow pose - again, I stayed up for way longer than usual, and was actually kicking my foot up over my head, at least in the mirror.  And this was on both sides, too!  What helped this time was Teacher A's emphasis on "charging the body forward" - which is not a new instruction, and now that I think about it, it is said in every class I've ever taken, but this time it sunk in, and it really helped.  Instead of just stretching my fingers forward it occurred to me to stretch my whole torso forward, to actually shift my weight forward.  And after that, it made sense to kick hard backwards, and up I stayed. Crazy, right, who knew?  Wow.  


The Locust pose is getting better, in tiny increments.  I now know to automatically shift my weight onto my forearms, so my hipbone area is ON my arm, pressed down.  And that is how one lifts one's leg.  So eventually I will strengthen that muscle memory to get it when both legs come off the ground together.  I also found that because my feet are crappy and I have bunion deformities, that it was hard to keep my feet together side by side because that left a gap.  But if I just shift them a little off, one on top of the other, and the rest of feet, heels, knees and legs are touching and pressed hard together, it works better and I have more power.  


The most exciting pose today, though, was Toe Stand.  Because while I have no problem getting down into starting Toe Stand, I always fall over before the final position.  And that is what happens if I listen to the instructions.  But rather than walking my hand backwards to the sides and such, I just bring my hands up, and today, miracles of miracles, I was up balancing for a LONG time, like 10 seconds at least, until Teacher A saw me and instructed me (specifically, me, by name) to try to raise myself up one inch higher, then I fell over finally, but laughing.  Again, just so proud of myself.  Yay!  


THE AFTERMATH
So for me it was a good, good class, very progressive, the kind of class one needs to make one excited to go back the next day and do it again.  It was not the perfect class, for I ended up sitting out during a triangle pose, just too dizzy and tired.  I was more hot than humid in the class today, and I was parched.  


On the physical side of things, I no longer look so much like a beached whale.  My waist is returning (nice to see you again!).  I feel stronger, tighter.  I have not stepped on a scale in the past week, but my clothes, well they're not much looser than before.  In fact I would say they've been a tad tighter than usual.  I find that odd since each class burns  about 1,000 calories ( estimates between 850-1300, so we'll just average it to 1000), and my eating habits are better than before.  Hope it's just water weight, or the muscle building up - heh.


Another tip I learned from Teacher A today - she said the hard direct gaze is Giving of energy, while the soft gaze (like the one we do in savasana, on the floor) is one of Receiving energy.  Claimed it was a qi gong thing, new to me but it sounds interesting, might try that one on for size in my Life in General.

Bikram Yoga, class 8

Another class skipped, due to difficulties in life.  Had a glass of wine and chocolate kisses instead, whle reading the entire first book of "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" series.

3pm Super Bowl Sunday class

Which means it was not really crowded at all.  So much so that I thought the studio was closed when I pulled in.  

It was not a difficult class, but then again I did not try hard.  Couldn't hold it in triangle pose, I don't know what's up with that pose lately.  Standing backward bend continues to rock.  Am I confusing my body with the attempts at keeping the core and base muscles strong?  Wonder if I'm doing them right. 

Changes inside, changes outside.  I mean that changes outside are easy because we can see them.  Sometimes we cling to those outside things that need to be changed, because what would happen if we did everything perfectly - right diet, right exercise - and things still went wrong?  At least if we are bad, we can have something to blame.  

So I give up caffeine, give up alcohol, eat moderately.  What changes are now in store?  The fear is when those changes come out, those things stuck inside.  The fears, the mental and emotional blockages.  The internal structures made of can't- won't - don't - shouldn't - couldn't.  

Bikram and yin yang.  Teacher the other day said how every posture creates a tourniquet, so the savasanas are the release of the tourniquet, the flow of blood and such.  The yin and yang again not just in each pose but in every single moment.  When we rest, our blood flows faster, inside.  In the pose, we try try try hard to be... still.  To hold a difficult pose, our head to knee, chin to chest, the leg kicked up and held against gravity.  In the effort to gain stillness.  Then in stillness, to gain flow.  Yin yang, opposites, balance.  

Bikram Yoga, Day 7

Again, skipped yesterday due to scheduling, and the fact that I didn't have my clothes and towel dry by the time I could have left for the last class.


So Class Seven was a Friday night 6:30pm class, last class of the day, with new (for me) teacher T.  T was obviously a vet teacher, and really made the class hers, calling out corrections and praises to individuals, varying the dialogue to her own speed and personality.  At times she spoke fast, and it felt like an auction, but most of the class she was fine, easy to follow, and motivating.  I'd happily take her class again.


I made sure to not place my mat in the Unflattering Spot under That Light, and I felt better for it.  The test will be, many classes from now, to put myself back in the Unflattering Spot under That Light, and see if there was any improvement.  Not that this is about  vanity or anything like that, not at all.


MY PRACTICE
- My shoulders are much looser, and the beginning Half Moon poses are so much easier to do, the way the used to be.  I've also learned to keep my legs taut, my knees and buttocks locked so that my weight is in my heels, and suddenly the first few postures are so much easier!  Like a big "OH!.... THAT'S how you do it...."  The yoga slowly reveals itself.
-  I also learned, finally, how to properly lock my knee out in standing head to knee posture.  Thanks to TheMissus, I realized that I have to lock my knee first, THEN contract the quad so the kneecap rises.  Yesterday the teacher said how the quad muscles do not want to lock, being fast twitch muscles and all.  And this whole time I fought a losing battle trying to keep my knee locked by just contracting the quad.  This new/correct was is SO much easier to keep the knee still, and I actually did kick out a few times during the pose.  I was so happy to actually kick out and hold it  for a second that I promptly and joyfully fell out.  It's like I discovered a new toy!
- So after those beginning poses, my balance and strength just sucked. I fell out I don't know how many times in the rest of the standing poses.  No balance whatsoever. Ah well, at least I finally locked my knee!
- Continuing with the trend in the last few classes, my abs are still showing up, little by little, and my neck is much less stiff and strained in, oh, I don't know how many poses!  C'mon, abs, you can do it!
 - Am still being conscious about my mind wandering about during savasana, and I will focus on Being Here Now in the room, only to have my mind wander off to the Future or the Past.  This will take some time.

Yin Yang in your life

Below is a post I drafted a couple of years ago when I was still practicing acupuncture.


***


One of the beautiful things about Chinese medicine is the simplicity of its theories. Take the theory of yin-yang, for example.


The basic of yin/yang principle is that of opposites. Day and night, male and female, light and dark, above and below, activity and rest. Fairly simple, right? Keep in mind that the yin/yang principle is also relative. The dawn is yin compared to noon, but yang compared to midnight. The top of a tree is yang compared to grass, but yin compared to the top of a skyscraper.


Ideally, yin and yang are in balance. In medicinal terms, the imbalance of yin and yang can cause illness and disease, and the way to treat that is to bring it back into balance. If someone is working 16 hours a day and gets very little sleep, then there is a deficiency of yin, and an excess of yang. Too much activity, not enough rest. Because the body strives for balance, you will feel tired, lethargic because your body wants to recover its yin.


For some of us in this position, it might be very difficult to get that sleep. Instead, maybe focus on other ways of being "yin" - taking five minutes out to just sit, relax, eyes closed with all distractions at bay (turn off the phone, close the door). During meal times, try not to work or read or add any more stimulation (yang) to your mind. Focus on the food, allow your taste buds to enjoy the flavor and texture, receiving (yin) the nourishment.


If you find yourself doing too much yin activity - like watching television for two or three hours at a time in the evening - notice your body is getting too much yin and your mind, while receiving (yin) maybe getting too much unnecessary yang, like empty calories. Yin time is for letting go, disengaging from the world. Switch off that evening news and maybe read - still activity but at a slower pace than the 5 second sound bites of television and advertisement. Leave the news for the morning, when yang is still rising.


If you find your job leaves your body in a static (yin) state for several long hours, take some time to counterbalance that sitting with standing, stretching, walking (yang).


(August 2008)
***
To bring the topic to what I'm doing today, is the relation of the yin/yang to Bikram yoga.


What rocks about Bikram yoga is the incorporation of both yin and yang elements, namely the savasanas the bookend each set of poses.

We know of the obvious savasanas before and after the class, and the savasanas in between each pose in the latter half of the class.  One of my teachers stressed the importance of the standing "savasanas" between each of the poses in the standing series.  That, too, is a time to stop, be in stillness, and let go of the effort and pose you just performed, letting go of how you did, letting go of whether you staying in the pose or fell out six times.  It is not a time to wipe the sweat from your eye, move the strands of hair from your cheek or tug at your sweaty, clingy shorts.  You give your all in each pose, and after each pose you stand or lie in complete stillness, relaxing completely, saving all your energy for the next.

Bikram Yoga, Day 6

BEFORE CLASS - Taking the 8:30pm class today.  Kind of wish I took an earlier class.  Had to peel myself away from a very absorbing HBO series, but here I am, all geared up and ready to go.  Once agan the mantra saves me - just get in the car, drive to the studio, unroll the mat, and just lie down.  How much better to think that than to get my mind caught up in postures and heat and sweat.

AFTER CLASS - Parking lot report again.  A hot class.  End savasana was not so relaxing since they kept the door shut and it felt like the heat was kept on.  No refreshing cool breezes.  I found the most unflattering spot in the yoga room, right under this light that made me look as doughy, pale and flabby as possible.  And it was one of the lights that stays on the whole time, so I got no relief from this ghostly whale image of myself.  I never felt self conscious in a Bikram class before, but I did tonight, feeling sorry for the people, especially the guy next to me to have to look at me.  And for some reason, in this class, almost no one had their shirt off, maybe one or two other women.  I really hope it was just the lighting.

A different teacher, new one for me.  Did not get her name, but she was of the shoot from the hip ilk, and thankfully did not strictly adhere to the dialogue word for word.  Lots of energy, confidence and humor in her teaching, also personal touches & corrections, as well as praise.  She killed us in the bow pose though, torturing us for just a few seconds longer than usual.  

In this evening's class, I had the worst balance.  Could be the stomach, and the fact that I was eating about an hour before class, even though it was carrot and celery, it apparently still counts as something to digest that does not just disappear when class starts.  

Classes are starting to be the center of my life.  During class I had the feeling I was already there this morning, like nothing else is going on in my life except for Bikram class.  I hope I dont get sick of it and quit.  I would have to give this up.  As if I have nothing to do with the commitment, sheesh.

Bikram Yoga, Day 5

BEFORE CLASS - Today is a mental day. Anticipation led to hesitation, stomach not feeling so great. The euphoria of new practice has worn a bit. But here I am in the parking lot, just pulled in. Hope... Was going to say, "hope I make it through the class" but I have to remind myself I have one task, just lie down.

AFTER CLASS - again, writing this in the parking lot, just after class. Class was fine, no problem. Shows the illusion of the monkey mind tricks. The initial poses were quite strong actually. I think it's because I had something to eat in the morning before coming. I was going strong until the triangle pose, the peak of the class. So maybe I used up all of my energy on those strong beginnings.

The teacher was D, the newbie drill instructor. She does her job just fine, keeps the class going. But geez, I wish she would slow down for just a bit. Does she even give herself a moment to breathe? At the, end she announced that we finished early. Well that means ya gotta slow down! I don't know for a fact that she is new, but she has yet to really connect with the class, like shes focused on just keeping to class going, keeping the dialogue perfect. So there's no corrections really, no bits of wisdom. Does she yet have wisdom to share? I guess in the future it won't deter me to see that she's teaching the class. It is my own practice after all.

My issues - my stomach took a turn last night, after eating some popcorn, of all harmless things. Maybe that was it, from the fake coffee & cream, to a bit of brownie, then finally with the popcorn, it's now rebelling. Then this morning my stomach acts up again, which made me hesitate to get to the 10am class. As always it behaved fine during class. In the past minor physical issues like this would have kept me from going anywhere, doing anything I didn't have to do. But the rest of my body wanted to go to class, so I just dismissed it as my body adjusting, and that I would have tro suck it up a bit.

LATER IN THE DAY - Not being much of an athlete, I tend to associate tired sore muscles with the onset of a cold. So now that I am entering the all over body sore phase in this new practice, my initial reaction is to take it easy, to take a nap, rest, or take a hot bath or shower. I have to remind myself that I am physically working my body, waking up muscles that have been asleep for a few years, and that I must keep trudging through the day. Not that this proves very difficult, as I work on my own, no boss to hide from. But sometimes that is where all the tricky territory lies, in being ones own boss. I can get away with anything.

Bikram Yoga, Day 4

Monday morning, 10am class, with new teacher A. I write this as I'm sitting in the car, still in the parking lot, just after class. I feel that post-class euphoria mixed with noodle like exhaustion in all my limbs. Good class. Missed yesterday, unfortunately. My body does not like it when I miss class.

THE SET UP

Teacher A, small girl with a rounded accent. Great energy, attempts at humor in the early minutes of the class fell flat. Guess we were all tired. Monday morning, what can ya say? There was one really cool thing she said today... and I can't recall it. She made a point about all of us being connected, some little anecdote about being in class and watching us all affect each other. She was one of those seasoned, tough teachers. I love it when a teacher makes a point of insisting we stick to savasana, no fidgeting or scratching. I got used to that in NYC, the strict teachers there.

The class was typical Monday morning 10am crowded, which means it wasn't. I was in the middle row, and there was actually no one in front of me, so sparse was the room. Still, it's a big room, and there were about 20-30 people there.

MY PRACTICE

- I started out stiff again, those darned neck muscles. Slowly loosened up a bit. Neck muscles making it difficult to do the initial standing series with the arms up overhead, hands clasped, palms glued together. I used to be able to get my elbows near my ears, and I would try and try so hard to squeeze my hands and arms together overhead. Now I can barely stand to keep my arms up during the series.

- The ab muscles are starting to wake up, and near the end of class as they strengthened, my neck muscles were less stiff, or maybe I was relying on the neck muscles less. Excited to see this development, damnit all.

- Thigh muscles, specifically the quad muscles - forget about. I almost want to start doing squats FOR Bikram practice.

- I hate to be premature about this, but maybe, just maybe, my locust pose is starting to wake up. It is my worst pose, always has been, worse than standing head to knee. Do I just have no butt muscles? No back muscles to speak of? I don't quite get the instructions of using your hands pressed on the floor. The last yoga teacher I asked about it told me that most people cheat, and kick up to get their legs that high, defying gravity. Of course, she was not a Bikram-trained yoa teacher.

- The room started out cooler than usual. I was also in a new spot, by the windows rather than near the door (less crowd and potential harassment). I was actually disappointed in the cooler temp, but it grew hot eventually.

- Some of my poses were weaker than the last class - the standing bow and the, er, regular bow (I sense a pattern). I have had nothing to eat today so far, so maybe that is it.

- Before class I had two electrolyte packets, and water, and that's it. My mind was racing as I drove to the studio, and it put me in an odd mood. As I was lying in savasana before class, I actually experienced a moment of boredom. Boredom! What's up with that? That's how distracted I was.

- And on that same note, I realized that my mind is really all over the place during class. Not enough to get my attention away from the poses or teacher's stream of instructions, but odd thoughts will come up, strange memories especially, my mind always going to the past. Savasanas are moments when I leave the room, floating along a stream of consciousness, when in fact I should be staying in the room, focusing on where I am at the moment. For being such a health/body/spiritually focused kind of girl, I'm amazed it took me this long to notice my distraction.

LATER IN THE EVENING

I feel like I've been so into this Bikram practice, and it's only been four days. Well, six days, four classes. Not even a week, and I'm prancing around like I'm some yoga guru, my life is so changed - pathetic. I'm trying to be cautious, and not considering myself anything until I've done this for at least a month regularly.

What is nice about doing Bikram yoga first thing in the morning, is how nice it is to focus on something other than the computer, email or the internet. I used to check my business online multiple times a day, and now it takes me about an hour after I get home from yoga (about noon) before I REMEMBER to check it. I would like that simple life, yoga and my work. Can't I just simplify everything down to those two things?

I hate to jinx myself, but there is not much in the way of distractions this week, nothing too demanding on the schedule, so I'm going to try to make it every day to Bikram class. Already after four classes, I do see a bit of difference physically, as I feel slimmer, more upright, better posture. I've lost one pound - hurray! I notice I still habitually stretch and move and try to crack various joints, then I stop myself because there is no need for it. What other exciting developments are going to take place? I am expecting - nothing. No visions of toned physique, dramatic weight loss, melting of cellulite and extraneous flesh. Just get to the studio, get on the mat.

Bikram Yoga, Day 3

Third Bikram class in four days, skipped yesterday though my body really did not like that.

Teacher was M subbing from out of state. 10am class on a Saturday, full and crowded, as expected. The place is like Grand Central station, people in and out all day long.

Teacher

- Even toned voice, so even that sometime the class missed the cue to go.

- Humorous, elder guy with glasses and no six pack abs

- Great tip: during Bow Pose, keep the arms relaxed as you kick hard with the legs. That really made a difference, as I felt myself go higher, and suddenly my lower back muscles were working. Awesome.

My Practice

- Weak! I am so weak! Those first few standing postures sucked, my thighs are like mush. I remember a time when I could do those poses with ease. My thighs were strong, I had muscle once... once...

- Ab muscles are very weak too, and as I suspect, are the reason for my neck muscles being so stiff, since I try to do everything with my neck and shoulders instead of it coming from my abs and core.

- Didn't mind the heat at all, even with the crowded room. I wonder when that happened. The heat used to be absolutely unbearable, but at this studio I have no problem with it.

- Made it through the entire class without sitting out, brownie point for me.

- Am sweating buckets. It's interesting to look at my forearm while doings forward bends and to see it covered in sweat, large beads of sweat rolling down.

- Today was not about strength, not even stretching, just about tolerance for the class, endurance.

Thoughts

- Witnessed lots of frustration today, including my own towards people. Must remember that is the lesson

- Teacher said, Bikram is not about the heat, it's about the yoga

- I say, in my future teaching classes, don't ignore the heat - embrace the heat, acknowledge the heat. Its hot! But it does not matter. Don't ignore the sweat, acknowledge the sweat! But tell yourself it does not matter. It is not about crowds, or space in the mirror, or perfect heating conditions, its about the yoga. Being here now, being one.

LATER AT HOME, about two hours after class

Weighed myself for the first time since starting this Bikram yoga journey. Lord almighty. And this was AFTER a Bikram class! Well cannot say I am surprised, it merely confirms reality. Looking forward to losing that weight as I continue my undisciplined journey in Bikram. Reading a lot of the teacher training blogs helps me to get a new perspective on the classes. It's like in marital arts training, where you aim not at the board, but past the board. Reading the blogs puts my focus not on the upcoming class, but on the future where one day I might be there attending teacher training. That idea really makes the upcoming class a cinch, like nothing at all. One baby step in a huge long term journey.

As for effects, my skin looks amazing, the typical flushed out, fresh and pure post-Birkam complexion. I am tired (about to take a nap now) but I feel loose. My neck is impossibly tight, still a mystery to me. I am starting to feel like I am wet all of the time. From class, from showers. And with it raining, now, too, nothing but wet.

"Get in the car, drive to the studio, unfurl your mat, and just lie down."

Recited that to myself as I was lying there before class started, as everyone else was pouring in around me. And I giggled at the idea that I really don't have to do anything else. I absolutely gave myself permission to lie there on the floor for the entire class. That would be okay. That would be fine! That made me grin. Can you imagine??? But of course, knowing myself, I don't just lie there. I don't. I let the class sweep me along into postures, into movement, into poses, constrictions and contractions. All I have to do is get there. Rest takes care of itself.

Bikram class, Day 2*

"Get in the car, drive to the studio, unfurl your mat, and just lie down."

Class two, day two, in a row! Left the little meet up with some friends and really the timing was perfect. Left the cafe, hopped on the freeway and I was there in about ten minutes, maybe less. Forgot about the convenience of freeways.

Pulled in, found a spot up front this time. A woman who was getting into the car parked next to me, leaving, said out of the blue "I'm dying!" and explained that it was her first class. Hopefully my smile and response were encouraging. I went in, signed in, unfurled my mat (just as I was supposed to) then headed into the locker room to change. Sweaty people from the previous class wandering about like the living dead. I change, thankful I had a hairband, and go into the sweaty, hot humid cave. Appropriate sports bra this time, so I could go shirt off if I wanted to (the tank stayed on for the first posture, no maybe not even that - how can people stand the heat with so much clothing on?). I was basically in the same spot as before, as yesterday. Same teacher too. Lots of men, again, young men, not the typical guys I usually see. They look so ... normal ... for a yoga class. So strange. Wonder if it's a football team or something going there.

The class, MY class, was interesting. Compared to yesterday I was much better, stayed up and involved for all the postures. Except for maybe a couple moments of dizziness, but I ignored those and continued on. The backward bending is getting easier, though I still feel a lot of stiffness in my neck. I think I have been using my diaphragm wrong, keeping it tight on the inhale, which leads me to use my shoulders to breathe (to expand the lungs - if they can't expand down, the shoulder try to move up to compensate), which leads to neck pain and stiffness. I found this out towards the end of class. So I tried to relax my shoulders more, and constrict my diaphragm down. So odd that I can't even breathe right!

Another observation is how flabby I have become. But to me its all temporary. Ha, what self esteem I have! But yeah, definitely bigger than before, so much so that want to take a picture of it so I can have a before and after shot. My shorts are tighter, the ones I bought at Lulu Lemon in NYC a couple of years ago, the ones that were loose - back then. They are now almost fitted around the thighs, which they are not supposed to be. Interesting. Then when I am doing the Awkward pose, I can no long get my legs wrapped around each other from the flesh that is in the way. Amazing, I tell you. I should be more ashamed or embarrassed or something, but instead I am more amused. It is temporary, it is not me, I am not worried. And see? Now it is going away.

My body definitely was less tight, though I still felt tight. Greater ability to do the poses, and not the overwhelming threat of fainting or dizziness. It is more a comfort now, these familiarity of these poses, the flow of the class. It almost goes by fast. My stomach and especially my Ren meridian (which runs from my chin down the center of my front to the bottom nether regions) definitely needs work. And I think there is an emotional aspect at play here, too. That is why my liver is so out of whack. I need to cry, some kind of emotional block. Instead I feel just a dull ache, a discomfort, like it's swollen.

The heat was nice, all encompassing, comforting, but not unbearable at all, as lovely as the little breaks of cool air that waft in occasionally. I again did not try as hard. My attitude was, I got my job done - drove here and got my mat unrolled, on the floor, and the rest is optional. Oh, but here I am in this room, might as well do the poses.

I look forward to the next class, possibly tomorrow morning. Yes, already.

*this post written January 27

Restarting the blog

My last (and first) entry from 2007. It is now January 2011, only 3 and a half years to revisit one's health. Though funny enough, the question still stands, and I restart this blog, because the question needs an answer. And the answer is in a 20-class pass for $20, good for 60 days, to a nearby Bikram yoga studio.

My first Bikram class was about 10 years ago in NYC, and I loved it, praised it to the heavens, claimed it cured me of all sorts of diseases and illnesses. I swore that being a Bikram yoga teacher was definitely in my future. Despite all that, I went to class about once or twice a year, and the rest of the year I would think about going, plan on going, check out studios and class schedules, various teachers, discounts and passes. Then I would finally attend a class, and made it a Big Deal, come home sweaty and limp with exhaustion, swearing that I am going the next day, which stretched to next week, then next month, etc. Start and stop - my typical fitness regime.

So what is different now? Life is a little different. Different city, different coast, different age, different job and living situation. I have the time now to focus on something I love, so I go back to the old standby, Bikram yoga.